The Dinner Table

by Lisa Scimens, Founder, Family Sanity

Do you have a difficult teen or young adult child who lives with you?  Do you have a hard time getting them to talk to you or engage in any way?  Do they spend most of their days in their rooms on the computer?  Do you really have very little idea of what they are up to?

My next question:  Do you have family dinners?

If not, you are not alone.  YouGov’s (https://yougov.com/) research showed that about 29% of families report eating together every night and 23% eat together 4-6 nights per week.

In our Family Sanity groups, we often hear that challenging teens never come to the dinner table.  Parents prepare meals for them and bring them to their rooms which they eat in front of their computers.  Sound familiar?

I grew up in Sacramento in the 60’s and 70’s in a very traditional family. We ate dinner together every night.  The food wasn’t great, but we learned the art of conversation.  We talked about everything: school, politics, religion, even sex. Once my youngest sister, who was quite precocious, asked my mother during dinner if she was a virgin when she got married. Of course my parents told her that question was not proper dinner table conversation (and they probably sent her to her room.)

My father was a first generation Italian-American and was quite authoritarian in his approach to parenting. My middle sister was the rebellious one; and started smoking cigarettes around 12.  By 13 or 14, she was smoking pot regularly.  At the dinner table, my dad would often look her in the eye and ask, “Are you high?”  The nightly gathering of our family gave my parents a good idea what we were up to and when we were getting into trouble.

I look at food as a uniting force. Our 28 year old daughter who is dealing with several mental health conditions and lives with us is a “foodie.“  She eats with us most evenings. Every week or so, she makes us dinner (and I pay her). Teaching her how to make a dish is a good experience for both of us.  Recently, my husband and I have attended several cooking classes with her.  She brings home the recipes and she adds them to her repertoire..  During the holidays, she makes special desserts.  Cooking for the family brings her a sense of pride and brings warmth to our souls.

Here are some ideas about how family dinners might help your family:

–If you don’t have dinners together, start having them once a week, say Sundays.

–”Bribe” your kids to come to  dinner by serving them their favorite meals or dessert.

–If you are not a big cook, don’t worry.  You can get their favorite take-out dish for the family meal.

–Work on conversation:  ask about the video games they are playing; ask about what they think about what’s going on politically; ask about the music they listen to and get them to play a song for you and discuss it.  If one of the children is off at college or lives somewhere out of town, make a family call at the end of the meal so you can all catch up with them and your child who’s still at home can feel more connected.

–And, after family dinner is established as a regular routine, consider getting your kids to set the table, help with clean-up and/or do dishes.  I suggest being around while they do these chores, so you can get them to talk.  Maybe discuss how they liked a certain dish and what could improve it.

Family dinners won’t fix everything—but they open the door to connection, awareness, and trust. At Family Sanity, we help parents turn small, intentional moments like these into real change. Start with one shared meal this week, and if you’d like support navigating what comes up at the table, we invite you to join a Family Sanity group and continue the conversation with us.