High Anxiety

by Lisa Scimens

As a child, I was anxious.  But as an adult, I am not.

I had tummy aches in elementary school about going to school and then I was at school.  They started in kindergarten.

When I look back, noise seemed to be a big contributor to my childhood anxiety.  In pre-school, I preferred the “quiet room” vs. the “noisy room.”  I liked playing with a small group, coloring, or playing with dolls.

By about third grade, the noisy cafeteria, combined with my picky eating, made it so I ended up going home for lunch through sixth grade.  

Often on the playground, I wanted to do low key things like play jacks or Four Square.  Since we weren’t allowed to play with the boys during recess or lunch breaks, girls didn’t have a lot of options.

In class, I was a good student.  I tried hard to get good grades and near perfect scores.  I always strived for a gold star for penmanship.  And sometimes when I didn't reach my goal, another stomach ache would come on and I’d ask to go home.

I grew up in the 60’s in a family of 5.  I was the eldest of 3 girls and we were only 4 years apart.  Close age-wise, but not the best relationships even when young.  We were very competitive.  We all participated in the same activities, like ballet 3 days a week. Today parents don’t expect all of their kids to only do one activity which is probably better.

My sisters and I  were all anxious. My youngest sister was the worst. They are both very anxious to this day and need to take medication for it. 

And our devoted mom was highly anxious.  I now think I “learned it” from her.  I think there were patterns of behavior my sisters and I adopted.  My dad would call her a “worry wart.”  She would worry if we were even 5 minutes late walking home from school saying that “something might have happened.” If we didn’t call her right after school when we went to a friend’s house to play, she’d be concerned.   When I got older, she always wanted an itinerary for my trip.  And even in my late thirties when I’d drive home from visiting her, she wanted me to call once home to let her know I’d safely arrived.

I suffered from social anxiety as early as kindergarten.  I felt on the outside for much of my childhood.  I remember wanting to be a part of the cool girls group in my afternoon class of kindergarten, but I was told I couldn't because I didn’t have a blue skirt.  My loving mother went to the fabric store, bought a pretty blue sailcloth fabric and made me a dirndl skirt.  When I proudly wore it to school the next week, one of the ringleaders told me I still couldn’t be in their clique because the skirt wasn’t the right shade of blue.  I was devastated.  I didn't realize it then, but we would call this behavior bullying today.

Like for almost everyone, jr. high and high school were full of anxiety, mostly socially-based.

I had a hard time making friends after we moved at the beginning of jr. high and then my junior year of high school once again.

I started to have more confidence in college, but would often procrastinate on assignments.  This led to migraines which made the situation even worse.  I would sometimes miss finals because of them.  I had recurring dreams about that experience. 

By my late 20’s I was working in my chosen career–television. I did have more recurring dreams…the teleprompter rolling, and me wanting to re-word my script. But after a few years, I had reached a calm state at work.

Somewhere in my mid-thirties, after feeling confident and established in my career; having married a wonderful man; and starting to have children, something changed.

I became known as the producer with a “cool head” at work.  I would be assigned to be the control room producer during the longest and most complex special events, something usually left for older colleagues.

I had felt a gradual change starting in my late 20’s.  When I ask myself why, I realize that was when I started doing Yoga.  I continued practicing for 35 years.  I never practiced meditation for more than a few years, because my Yoga practice seemed to provide that relaxing, calming effect for me.

And as I close, I wonder about my own family and anxiety.  I have two children.  My daughter has suffered from anxiety since her childhood and has been on medication for it for many years.  Did I teach her to be anxious?  Or is anxiety in our genes?

Anxiety is a very common theme for parents who attend Family Sanity meetings.  We will be talking more about our own anxiety as well as that of our children in weeks to come.  Hope to see you at an upcoming meeting.